There are some words and phrases which on the surface are very benign in the world but I have learned to dislike since starting the transition.  Not that they are bad, mind you and they are not used with malicious intent, but they still cause me to cringe when I hear them

Passing: passing occurs when a person classified as a member of one group is also accepted as a member of a different group. The term was used especially in the U.S. to describe a person was who assimilating into the white majority during times when legal and social conventions classified the person as a minority, subject to racial segregation and discrimination.  (like last week for some)

Some transpeople see “Passing” as the holy grail.  Being able to hide in plain sight as it were.  Difficult for most of us.  But still the word passing (or to pass) infers we need to stay in stealth, under cover. To me it implies that you need to disappear.  Basically it is what everyday people do…everyday.  While being accepted into the world of women is what I want…I am not passing to do it.  It implies that I am playing something I am not 

I am not looking to “pass” as a woman.  I am a woman.  I don’t need to fool or deceive anyone.   I just need to be who I am going about my normal daily existence.   Often when you work too hard at something, it stands out more. 

Please even though you mean well, do not tell me I look like a girl or woman.  You may mean it as “You have made it to Passing” but it implies that I don’t look like a woman other times.

So passing is one word I won’t use in relation to me.  My goal is to be who I am, not a clone of anyone around me.

En drag or En Femme:  these phrases have a specific meaning, neither one applies to a transsexual person.  I don’t mind when CDs or Drag Queens say this about themselves but don’t ask me if I dress en femme (I dress en moi , it happens to be the societal convention of how a woman in my world dresses).  And I don’t do drag.  I could, but to many people who aren’t in the community, every TG is a drag queen.  Drag Queens are entertainers (and if you are drawing a Venn diagram. it is a small circle that intersects with…well men and women.  Yes, I know genetic women who do drag.) And by the way, what I wear under everything is only important to me and someone special in the future I pray.

I absolutely detest the phrase en Drab.  Just so you know.  It is silly and inane.  For the people who aren’t familiar with that…it means to dress as a guy.  Now I know most male fashion lacks color and style, but it doesn’t have to be drab.

“When did you decide to become a girl (or woman)?”  Quick aside:  I am well beyond the age of being a girl. I still take that as a compliment though.

I didn’t decide.  It is who I am. It is born into me. It isn't like test driving a car.   I did decide to no longer pretend otherwise.  But this is an internal, innate part of who I am and always have been.  Besides I don’t remember the exact day.  There was a decision involved...I decided to pursue my real self.  This is almost always accompanied by “Why would you do that to yourself.?”  Now that will be a whole blog for later…but the Jeopardy answer is “What is doing it FOR yourself and not TO yourself”.

Which brings us to …

Lifestyle:  Lifestyle to me implies a conscious way of living.  i.e. Living in luxury when you could be living modestly.  Being in the BDSM community is one of my lifestyles.  Being a cat person is a lifestyle.  I have friends who travel…that is a lifestyle.  Being trans is not a lifestyle.  It is a life.  It isn’t something you switch on and off at will.  Place on a shelf while you do something else.  Again this is the Reader’s Digest version, but I don’t swap back and forth in gender presentation.  I don’t do this to get Ladies’ night prices. Straight people don’t live their lives as a lifestyle. 

There are a few lifestyles I would love to try.  You know jet setting.  Living on the Riviera.  Hobnobbing with movie stars and captains of industry.  That would be a lifestyle.  I am just working on having a life.

I know this is a mine field for a lot of people.  Like walking on egg shells around a transperson, but it is really not that difficult.  Treat us like you treat everyone else.  We aren’t that different.  You don’t have to even be PC as long as you treat us like you treat any of your friends.

Don’t call me “he” or “him”.  This hurts me more  than anything.  It means you do not accept me as I am, that you cannot see me as my true self.  I get it is a slip sometime.  Hell I do that with my cats every day...saying three names before getting the right one.  But honestly, I feel it is disrespectful, especially if intentional (family...please accept me and quit holding to a past..thank you).  There are some I love forever who cannot or will not even try.  And they don't know how each time they do that, I want to walk away and cry.  Do I look like a He or him?  Well then I need to evaluate my lifestyle, dress more en femme and try harder and pass.