Someone said, "Less than 1% of the population of the US knows a transgender person."  I think the estimate is low because the majority of transgendered people don't exhibit it in public.  It is a very private thing for many.  Mostly because of fear.

But there are transsexuals (and more generally transgendered people) in every walk of life. 

We know that transpeople are in the military.  Even back in the  dark ages we were there, we just didn't say anything.  Now they are still there and some are getting a voice.  The end of "Don't ask, Don't tell." allowed the gays and lesbians to serve in sight.  It specifically bans transgendered persons.  But they are there and we know of some who did the most heroic acts who are now transitioning.    Pilots and Navy Seals and probably every job you can imagine, even high ranking officers. 

But what would have happened if those people had been outed or had come out before their brave deed.  Everything is connected in this world, one act leads to another.  It is a continuum.  One deviation can change history as we know it.  It is the basic premise of many science fiction novels.  But imagine if you will, that Navy seal who was part of whatever mission they were part of, wasn't there.  Would the mission have succeeded? OK, it was a team effort but there is the possibility that the Seal's action saved a team mate who saved a team mate who saved the person who killed the terrorist.  For want of a nail.

Because that seal was who they always were, their gender identity had not changed, they completed the mission.  And yet, right now, if that same woman came out, she would be discharged, not honorably either.  Does anyone see the hypocrisy?


Canada recently granted a waiver to an acquaintance in their military who is TG.  Great move, they keep a great member and allow that member to live the life they should.  But the question was raised. "How does this affect battle dress, maneuvers or, god forbid, fighting in a war zone""    This is a good question and one I would like to think is easily answered, it would be no different than any other soldier, male or female.    Yet, logically, it would just because of attitude.  The US Army forbid women in combat zones until recently, claiming weakness and distraction.  That has been proven wrong over and over again.  Let's hope the transmilitary arrive at the same conclusion.

We have trans police officers, firefighters, CEOs and virtually every other job in the US.  If you have the skills, who cares what your gender is?   But one bastion remains and when I bring this up to my friends who are sports enthusiasts they get very adamant.  NASCAR.  Of course other professional sports don't have trans (out trans) participants, but they also are behind on having women also.  NASCAR though claims that they are open. 

Can you imagine, and I don't think it is very far off, that right now a a young person, who looks male, is transgender on the track.  When they come out, let's pretend that they had won races before, maybe even a championship or two, would they still command the same respect from their colleagues or fans.  The answer is unequivocally  "NO".  Because they would some have become "less" .  They haven't by any means the skill set is still there, aggression isn't nailed to testosterone and they haven't lost any intelligence.  And yet when push went to shove, as it always does in NASCAR, the "good ol boys" would  make sure the trans didn't get a chance.

The continuum....what would happen if...imagine things ending up with less optimum results.

I thought I had made this offer before.  Maybe I did and no one took it up.

Any questions (that aren't too personal) you have about my transition, please ask.   I may or may not have the answer.  But if I don't I can try and find it.

If you don't understand it makes it difficult to accept.

I say this because I think some people still don't believe I am serious about this.  I am dead serious.  Many TGs take that literally. It is a matter of life or death.

Let me reiterate, this is me, I am her and she is me and we are both together. I am not doing this for fun or because I am confused ( although I am confused on some things. Like why paraphrasing Beatles lyrics from a time they were stoned out of their heads seemed like the thing to do there).

So here are a few common questions

What made you do this?  I dunno and what a hard question to start this with.  But the most pertinent and common probably.  What made you the way you are?  I spent a lot of my life trying to understand why certain things that thrilled other guys, did nothing at all for me.  But I knew it was deep inside me.  Nothing made me do anything but become who I felt I was for my whole life.

No I wasn't dressed and forced to be a girl at a tea party when I was 5.  No I didn't have an overbearing female role model.  No I wasn't starved for attention or love as a child (we didn't show a lot of affection but we "knew").  Yes I was molested and bullied at points of my life (thus why I really don't understand why BSA is anti-gay when it is a training ground for that.  Oh and a point here, it didn't make me gay either). I doubt it was hormones introduced by physicians while I was being made, it isn't the water (otherwise there would be a lot more of "us").  Genetics?  Maybe.  Nature  vs Nurture...nature. 

When did you know? (corollary to why did you decide to do this).  Easy answer, I have vivid memories when I was 4.  Complex answer?  Forever.  I didn't decide, it was always there.  I suppressed because I was taught to.  Why did I wait until I was 55?  Because there comes a time in your life when you say "Life is short, I don't really care about how society feels and I only have to please me"  But I don't regret anything that brought me here.

How do you have sex? Ah!  Finally a question I can answer...infrequently.  Not enough?  Details by request with a self addressed stamped envelope with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back.

Will you go the whole way (also will you cut it off? Won't you miss that part?)  I dunno.  Hopefully yes (ok not missing that part because...it isn't really gone, just remodeled) but there are hurdles, the biggest of which is money.  Most of the others I have jumped already (why is there a Bruce Jenner analogy there somewhere?)

How can you do this to (yourself, your family, society)?  Myself, I am not doing it to, I am doing it for. My family.  I'm sorry if you think I did this to you.  I wouldn't hurt you for anything...except to save me.  I am still the same person with a soft gooey center as before, just with a different chocolate coating (and no nuts).  Society.  First I don't care about what a bunch of people decide that really doesn't in any way effect the lives and livelihood of the greater being.  I don't give two flips about how you interpret or misinterpret a book.  Society, in general, was started to make sure you didn't do things that would endanger...society.  My gender doesn't mess up anything except your concept of me.

Now just a quick word.  Above I twisted "I am the walrus". You may or may not have noticed something there.  The pronouns are feminine (thank you society for those little boxes of ticky tack).  So the next question is....

How do I refer to you?  Lori would be fine if we know each other.   She if you are telling someone about me.  Her for things I have. When you meet a transgender, reference how they appear.  Simple.  My drivers license says F.  Colorado says I am a woman (your state may vary...if so you need a new state).  I cringe at "Ma'am" as much as I did "Sir" only because it seems ostentatious (I have wanted to use that word for months now) but it is respectful.  M'lady is ok in certain playtime activities. I will ignore male pronouns and (with one exception) the old given name.  It's time to move on.

Honestly though, you can't understand unless you ask questions.  I would rather you ask than have you avoid me.  If it is too personal, I will tell you.  BUT, if you ask, be prepared for an answer you may or may not want to hear.

Jigsaw

I am the piece of the jigsaw puzzle that doesn't seem to fit.  The piece that appears like it came from another box and no matter how you turn it, it never seems to be the one that belongs there.  The colors seem right but...

We are a puzzle to many.  How we can turn our world upside down confounds people.  Honestly it confounds us.  Why would we give up lives, jobs, family?  It doesn't make sense.  How an airplane stays in the air doesn't make sense to me either, even though I passed that test in college.  (Is there a giant sucky thing that holds it up?  I remember something about laminar airflow and different pressures and...all I really care is the damn thing doesn't fall with me in it).  Sometimes we just take things for what they are worth. I think a large number of transpeople do that.  There is no explanation (something about laminar airflow and genetic make up).

I promise you the piece fits.  And it fits without force or remodeling. But you have to "see" how it fits.

When you look at that piece and you look at the space it should occupy and you don't see the way it should fit.  Sometimes you twist it or flop it and the fit may be closer...or worse.  But the key is to "see" how it does fit.  It isn't by changing it or forcing it into a wrong space.  It is often by getting it just right and it slides right in.

We aren't here because a puzzle got mixed up.  We aren't here to frustrate you.   We are here because we are part of the big picture...just a small piece that when added to 999 more makes a cute photo of cats playing bingo. 

OK that was silly right?  Everyone knows cats hate bingo preferring instead to play Canasta (Editor's note...I have no idea how to play Canasta).  But the big picture doesn't have to be sunny beaches or grand mountains.  It can be silly and make no sense at the same time.  I am a scientist, we were told there was always an answer.  True, it may not be the RIGHT answer but there is an answer.  Some we may never know.

We ask "why"?  We accept other things but we ask "why" about ourselves.  We don't argue with most of he "givens" in our lives.  There are reasons for those...wind for example is from a giant fan in California.  But we don't question it (except in golf days when you watch your ball suddenly go left).  I am sure there is a reason for transgendered people.  Someday they will find it, which brings up a whole new set of questions.  Ethical questions that will effect us profoundly.  Certain people will want to "correct" whatever the anomaly is so that the puzzle piece fits.  Changing the cats playing bingo into a picture of a horse painting a masterpiece ( there are horses that do watercolor or oils though, they are paint horses).  Others will want to test and delete whatever causes trans.  Simple way to get rid of the fact the piece doesn't appear to fit...but that would leave a hole in the cats playing bingo thing, maybe where B-8 was and some poor cat won't win then.  No, we know the piece fits...somehow.

Sometimes it takes a different perspective.  You move to the right and it all becomes clear.  A little turn and voila' (that's French for I'll be damned).  You can give up and walk away before that.  Seems many people do think walking away from an almost finished puzzle is the answer.  Others will ponder and work until it makes sense.

Then one day, you slide that piece over the space and realize...it is part of the picture.  You are happy and proud.  You are also angry you didn't see it before, it was so simple.   Hopefully the picture is complete then, every piece working with every other piece.  But if you wait too long or leave it unfinished because you didn't want to make an effort, when you come back there may be other pieces missing and your world will never be complete.

Take time to see how the pieces fit.

Forgiveness

Great what you find on the way while traveling this road..  Today's sermon must be about forgiveness.  After all the first two stories I encountered this morning involved forgiveness.   Let's start with the most heinous.

Last month, a veterinarian in Texas posted a photo of herself holding a domestic cat that she had shot with a bow and arrow allegedly in her yard.  Several of those words are important here.  The article today asked if/when/how veterinarians could forgive her.

Was it legal?  Texas says you can kill an animal that is on your property if you deem said animal to be threat to you, your livestock or property..  This cat, which she deemed feral, was in her yard.  Now as a citizen, was she within the law to shoot the cat?  That is being debated in court right now.  My opinion, no.  Others have mentioned though that we all have at one time or another entertained the thought of killing an animal who was in some way bothering our lifestyle.  The dog next door to me makes it impossible to enjoy being on my deck.  My cats (who never get off the deck because I have enclosed it) can't be out there without that dog barking.  It barks at me no matter what I am doing, mowing the yard, talking on the phone, using the grill.  I hate that dog (OMG...you're a vet and you HATE an animal???"  We'll get back to that in a moment).  While I have entertained ideas to get the dog to stop barking (I call her STFU because I don't know her name, my neighbors and I don't talk.  Even less now that I am transitioning.  The wife seems exceptionally cold toward me...Hmmmm) I would never ever do anything to physically harm that dog.  Even the use of sprays is out because I respect my neighbor's and I somehow believe that they will someday, somehow, take the matter in their own hands.  Part of that is because I am a veterinarian.  I find it hard to intentionally harm an animal.

Now, yes I do enjoy meats.  And Yes, I have hunted (not anymore).  And yes I have euthanized hundreds of dogs, cats and hamsters in my career.  I fully understand that some would see that as being hypocritical.  OK that is a given.  I think we have established that before here.  But we all have lines I guess.  I don't know the animal I am cooking (there's a hypocritical line...I could not eat anything I raised) and that works for me.  I don't hunt because I killed a pheasant once and was physically ill for days out of remorse for taking it's life.  And euthanasia is something I wish humans had because it takes away long term suffering.  My rule in practice was I didn't euthanize healthy animals...Thus Charlie Bidybobo living with me for almost 10 years now.  I did promise the owners I would euthanize him and I likely will..someday when he becomes very ill.  So those are my lines.

But the vet in Texas may have been legal in her kill.  Except, we now find out the cat was a neighbor's pet.  Her perception that it was feral was wrong.  She didn't do her homework.  And to me she added onto the crime by bragging about the kill, showing the corpse and saying she should be veterinarian of the year.

Back to the question though.  Should she be forgiven? I the greater scheme of things, I don't know.  Did she do anything others haven't done many times over?  Killing a dog who raids your chicken coop.  Killing an alligator who is in your pond.  She did what livestock owners worldwide would do with an animal who was on their property.  Also, who am I to offer forgiveness to her?  I am not her  God nor her conscious.  Personally, I would never forgive her.  But until she enters my sphere of professionality, It is moot.

I haven't forgiven myself for lives lost.  That pheasant will be with me forever.  The patients I lost during surgery, even though I had done everything correct, still haunt me because I look for that one mistake I may have made (BTW I remember everyone...but there were only three).  I cried at euthanasia for years (another reason I quit was I no longer cried.  However every time I did it I asked the animal's forgiveness.  Not the human's; the pet's).  The point here is that when I took the oath, and probably long before that, I gave myself to making the lives of animals safer and better.

So...No, I don't forgive her.  She stained MY ideal of what veterinarians are.  She should never work as a vet again.  Just as a pedophile should never come in contact with children.  Just as you would never trust an accountant who embezzled.  Just as Charlie Manson should never ever be in contact with society again.  It's a trust issue.

Which brings me to the other "forgiveness" story.  The Patriots and their cheating.   I am not so naive as to believe any sport is honorable and upright.  On a professional level I know everyone cheats (it is what you do for money).  Even kids in little league are taught to fudge...we start the cheating cycle young here in the US.   What is the rule?  Don't get caught. And if you do, I think you should own up to it.  Hypocritical time again.  When I played volleyball, I am sure that sometime I accepted a call I knew was wrong that gave us the point and possibly the trophy.  It wasn't planned and most would say, that's the way sports goes.  I also know we lost points or trophys in the same manner.  The world didn't stop.

But the football deflator issue is at another level.  I know Americans are not the most honest people in the world.  Hell, the top1% in most cases stomped on you to get what they have.  But these are people that we hold in esteem.  Whom, our children aspire to become.  One expects more form them (expectations like dreams rarely come true).

Brady was punished.  Fined and suspended.  He won't become destitute.  The man won't be out of a job forever.  The Seahawks weren't given the championship (although, that is what SHOULD happen when you cheat.  Horses get disqualified in a race.)  No the Pats will still get respect from the kids and fans.

OK, Lori, how can you compare that with killing a cat?  Because, even though I have made mistakes both of those people were held to a higher standing.  They had made a decision to be who and where they were.  Respect.  Trust. Admiration.  Those things take a lot of time to build and are hard to keep.  Once destroyed, they are harder to put back together.  The vet in Texas will have a hard time finding a job, assuming she is vindicated.  No practice in the state will be willing to have her on staff because of her reputation.  Even if we forgive her, that will follow her for a long time.  Brady, the same.  Every move he makes from now on will be dissected.  The officials will not trust him in ant manner (and the team will get the same scrutiny).  If they don't win another championship, it will be stated they won the others by cheating (BTW this is the second time they got caught...Pete Rose didn't harm baseball but broke a law and he will never get the accolades for the sport.  He paid his debt, yet is still being punished).  If the Pats do win again, the game will be dissected to the smallest detail, and many will find something wrong.

Forgiveness.

I forgive people all the time.  I forgive my cats daily for things (why can't they use the litter box?  Why do they fight?  Why does Charlie Bidybobo turn on me when he is angry at one of the others...doesn't he know that's why he was brought in for euthanasia...and doesn't he understand I saved his life?  Of course he doesn't, he's a cat).  I rail at the driver who cuts me off.  I get angry at stupid things people in the news do...but I forgive them.

I don't forgive me as easily.  I hold me to a higher standing.  You may call it perfectionism and maybe it is in certain things (housework excluded).  But I have expectations for me.  When I don't meet those, I punish myself, for a long long time.  In the above cases, it wll take a long time to forgive them.  Just because I had higher expectations. 

As a transgender woman, I hold myself to a higher standard also.  I represent all TGs when I am out.  I want people to see that we are not what media and society have portrayed us as.  I may ever put more pressure on myself than genetic women.  I have had comments (suggestions?) about my makeup.  While I do over do it on occasion, what I wear is needed, in my eyes, to make me look the best I can.  I am the figurehead, the model, of transgenderism. 

Others may have different standards, but I am not promiscuous.  I don't do things that will bring shame on us, I don't disrespect women by being a parody.  I don't like being placed in that position either.

So far, I don't think I need forgiveness for how I represent the community.  Some feel I do need to ask forgiveness for being who I am.  In that case I am sorry...that you can't see the goodness, the happiness I have now.  Forgive me for being confused about your actions that often don't match your aspirations in your own belief system.  In other words, you don't walk the walk like you talk the talk.  I am sure, sometime I will fall off my own pedestal.  Everyone does.  I may ask your forgiveness.  But rest assured, forgiving myself will be a lot harder.

Whole new experience

For years I was in the entitled group.  I never even thought about going into a mainstream place.  I just went..
But now, I am from a different place.  I am the alien in the world.  And it isn't just being a woman.  That is a whole world unto it self.   No I am blatantly trans.

Now people stumble over themselves trying to be "PC". 

"Come to my business.  We accept anybody."

I am sure they meant no harm, after all, you should accept "anybody" right?  But just the fact you have to make that point says a lot. It may be subconscious but it says "You are different and I know it".

And I am, I know this.  The trans community is .05% of  the world.  Only about 7% of all people in the US know a transperson.   That means (I am going to do math so stand back) 93% of the country has never met a transperson that they know of.   Of course some have met TGs but didn't realize it.  But the truth is that the vast majority of people, regardless of race, creed, ethnicity, religion, color, have no idea who we are.

So, as with every minority ever, you start placing caveats.  "I'm not racist, the man down the street is black and he is very nice, I think."  "I know a Jewish person, Jesus was one you know." or "My brother's best friend is gay."  It isn't conscious, but it is prejudice.

So tonight I was invited to a business.  The owner was very nice but you could tell he wasn't comfortable around me.  "Come on down, we accept everybody".  It should go without saying.  If I was a white middle aged male he would have said "Come on down, we'd be glad to see you."  Even if I were a genetic woman, there wouldn't have been a caveat...OK maybe one "and bring your husband." 

I hope that someday soon, there won't be addendums or exclusions or caveats on those kind of statements.  But I understand this was just  because he didn't really "know" anyone in my community.  Thus the we accept everybody.  Shouldn't this go without saying?  After all if you accept "everybody" you shouldn't have to tell them that.

Earlier in the evening I was at a professional seminar.  A woman was very nice and recognized me...actually by name.  "Lorileah...right?"  I like the fact she remembered me but did she remember me because I was the only trans there?  I would like to think not.  That she was very good with names, something I am awful with, sometimes I even forget my own cat's names.  But then, I am sure that I made an impression on her mostly because I am trans.  Good?  Bad?  Hey, at least now they recognize me.  For 50 years before they didn't have a clue