Forgiveness

Great what you find on the way while traveling this road..  Today's sermon must be about forgiveness.  After all the first two stories I encountered this morning involved forgiveness.   Let's start with the most heinous.

Last month, a veterinarian in Texas posted a photo of herself holding a domestic cat that she had shot with a bow and arrow allegedly in her yard.  Several of those words are important here.  The article today asked if/when/how veterinarians could forgive her.

Was it legal?  Texas says you can kill an animal that is on your property if you deem said animal to be threat to you, your livestock or property..  This cat, which she deemed feral, was in her yard.  Now as a citizen, was she within the law to shoot the cat?  That is being debated in court right now.  My opinion, no.  Others have mentioned though that we all have at one time or another entertained the thought of killing an animal who was in some way bothering our lifestyle.  The dog next door to me makes it impossible to enjoy being on my deck.  My cats (who never get off the deck because I have enclosed it) can't be out there without that dog barking.  It barks at me no matter what I am doing, mowing the yard, talking on the phone, using the grill.  I hate that dog (OMG...you're a vet and you HATE an animal???"  We'll get back to that in a moment).  While I have entertained ideas to get the dog to stop barking (I call her STFU because I don't know her name, my neighbors and I don't talk.  Even less now that I am transitioning.  The wife seems exceptionally cold toward me...Hmmmm) I would never ever do anything to physically harm that dog.  Even the use of sprays is out because I respect my neighbor's and I somehow believe that they will someday, somehow, take the matter in their own hands.  Part of that is because I am a veterinarian.  I find it hard to intentionally harm an animal.

Now, yes I do enjoy meats.  And Yes, I have hunted (not anymore).  And yes I have euthanized hundreds of dogs, cats and hamsters in my career.  I fully understand that some would see that as being hypocritical.  OK that is a given.  I think we have established that before here.  But we all have lines I guess.  I don't know the animal I am cooking (there's a hypocritical line...I could not eat anything I raised) and that works for me.  I don't hunt because I killed a pheasant once and was physically ill for days out of remorse for taking it's life.  And euthanasia is something I wish humans had because it takes away long term suffering.  My rule in practice was I didn't euthanize healthy animals...Thus Charlie Bidybobo living with me for almost 10 years now.  I did promise the owners I would euthanize him and I likely will..someday when he becomes very ill.  So those are my lines.

But the vet in Texas may have been legal in her kill.  Except, we now find out the cat was a neighbor's pet.  Her perception that it was feral was wrong.  She didn't do her homework.  And to me she added onto the crime by bragging about the kill, showing the corpse and saying she should be veterinarian of the year.

Back to the question though.  Should she be forgiven? I the greater scheme of things, I don't know.  Did she do anything others haven't done many times over?  Killing a dog who raids your chicken coop.  Killing an alligator who is in your pond.  She did what livestock owners worldwide would do with an animal who was on their property.  Also, who am I to offer forgiveness to her?  I am not her  God nor her conscious.  Personally, I would never forgive her.  But until she enters my sphere of professionality, It is moot.

I haven't forgiven myself for lives lost.  That pheasant will be with me forever.  The patients I lost during surgery, even though I had done everything correct, still haunt me because I look for that one mistake I may have made (BTW I remember everyone...but there were only three).  I cried at euthanasia for years (another reason I quit was I no longer cried.  However every time I did it I asked the animal's forgiveness.  Not the human's; the pet's).  The point here is that when I took the oath, and probably long before that, I gave myself to making the lives of animals safer and better.

So...No, I don't forgive her.  She stained MY ideal of what veterinarians are.  She should never work as a vet again.  Just as a pedophile should never come in contact with children.  Just as you would never trust an accountant who embezzled.  Just as Charlie Manson should never ever be in contact with society again.  It's a trust issue.

Which brings me to the other "forgiveness" story.  The Patriots and their cheating.   I am not so naive as to believe any sport is honorable and upright.  On a professional level I know everyone cheats (it is what you do for money).  Even kids in little league are taught to fudge...we start the cheating cycle young here in the US.   What is the rule?  Don't get caught. And if you do, I think you should own up to it.  Hypocritical time again.  When I played volleyball, I am sure that sometime I accepted a call I knew was wrong that gave us the point and possibly the trophy.  It wasn't planned and most would say, that's the way sports goes.  I also know we lost points or trophys in the same manner.  The world didn't stop.

But the football deflator issue is at another level.  I know Americans are not the most honest people in the world.  Hell, the top1% in most cases stomped on you to get what they have.  But these are people that we hold in esteem.  Whom, our children aspire to become.  One expects more form them (expectations like dreams rarely come true).

Brady was punished.  Fined and suspended.  He won't become destitute.  The man won't be out of a job forever.  The Seahawks weren't given the championship (although, that is what SHOULD happen when you cheat.  Horses get disqualified in a race.)  No the Pats will still get respect from the kids and fans.

OK, Lori, how can you compare that with killing a cat?  Because, even though I have made mistakes both of those people were held to a higher standing.  They had made a decision to be who and where they were.  Respect.  Trust. Admiration.  Those things take a lot of time to build and are hard to keep.  Once destroyed, they are harder to put back together.  The vet in Texas will have a hard time finding a job, assuming she is vindicated.  No practice in the state will be willing to have her on staff because of her reputation.  Even if we forgive her, that will follow her for a long time.  Brady, the same.  Every move he makes from now on will be dissected.  The officials will not trust him in ant manner (and the team will get the same scrutiny).  If they don't win another championship, it will be stated they won the others by cheating (BTW this is the second time they got caught...Pete Rose didn't harm baseball but broke a law and he will never get the accolades for the sport.  He paid his debt, yet is still being punished).  If the Pats do win again, the game will be dissected to the smallest detail, and many will find something wrong.

Forgiveness.

I forgive people all the time.  I forgive my cats daily for things (why can't they use the litter box?  Why do they fight?  Why does Charlie Bidybobo turn on me when he is angry at one of the others...doesn't he know that's why he was brought in for euthanasia...and doesn't he understand I saved his life?  Of course he doesn't, he's a cat).  I rail at the driver who cuts me off.  I get angry at stupid things people in the news do...but I forgive them.

I don't forgive me as easily.  I hold me to a higher standing.  You may call it perfectionism and maybe it is in certain things (housework excluded).  But I have expectations for me.  When I don't meet those, I punish myself, for a long long time.  In the above cases, it wll take a long time to forgive them.  Just because I had higher expectations. 

As a transgender woman, I hold myself to a higher standard also.  I represent all TGs when I am out.  I want people to see that we are not what media and society have portrayed us as.  I may ever put more pressure on myself than genetic women.  I have had comments (suggestions?) about my makeup.  While I do over do it on occasion, what I wear is needed, in my eyes, to make me look the best I can.  I am the figurehead, the model, of transgenderism. 

Others may have different standards, but I am not promiscuous.  I don't do things that will bring shame on us, I don't disrespect women by being a parody.  I don't like being placed in that position either.

So far, I don't think I need forgiveness for how I represent the community.  Some feel I do need to ask forgiveness for being who I am.  In that case I am sorry...that you can't see the goodness, the happiness I have now.  Forgive me for being confused about your actions that often don't match your aspirations in your own belief system.  In other words, you don't walk the walk like you talk the talk.  I am sure, sometime I will fall off my own pedestal.  Everyone does.  I may ask your forgiveness.  But rest assured, forgiving myself will be a lot harder.